Coming soon ... A Sortabiography

Temporary artwork courtesy of Nick Harris

Ahead of the big book launch in November, here's an exclusive extract from Chapter 5 of C.D.Jenkins' first novel - A Sortabiography; (noun) a treatise, crudely-written and often inaccurate, about the author.

***

When I returned home from my final day at Wainwrights, I was in for a huge surprise. Mell met me outside of our flat. She was clearly very excited and quick to tell me that there was a visitor inside.

I opened the door to our apartment and to my great astonishment, standing there in front of me was someone I hadn't seen for many years.

It was my older sister!!!!

There she was, as large as life with her usual air of authority.

"Hi Sis, very nice air. Could I borrow it when you've finished with it?"

"Hi Bro. How the Dickens are you? Long time, no sea and very sorry about the spelling mistake. It's an easy one to make." I stepped towards her and gave her a big hug. "My word, that is a big hug. I'll put it over here, out of the way."

"Welcome to our humble abode, Sis. Please come on in."

"I'm already in. You come on in."    We all stepped into the lounge.

"This is Hell - Mell - (another simple typo) and I'd also like you to meet B..."

"Slow down Bro. We've already been introduced." She smiled. "I expect you're wondering why I'm here."

"Oh no, you haven't split with your boyfriend have you?"

She laughed. "No, no. Christian and I are fine. It's about Mum's sixtieth birthday tomorrow."

"What is?"

"Why I'm here."

"But why are you here?"

"For mum's sixtieth."

"But that's tomorrow."

"I know."

"Oh, that's good. Thought you might have got the wrong day. So how's life treating you?"

"Can't complain."

"Come on - I'm sure you can if you try."

"Oh - don't be so pedantic!" she said sternly.

Mell glowered at me!!!

"I'm saying nothing," I said (paradoxically).

"Recently sold a few of my paintings," Sis continued, "and I've a couple of statues on display in our town-hall's latest exhibition."

"Great stuff. Sounds like you're doing well."

"WOW!!" exclaimed Mell. "You paint and sculpt. That's amazing."

"It's alright," said Sis, "but I much prefer drawing, pottery, macrame and the like."

"You do all that?" Mell gasped.

"Yeah, always got something on the go. I just have to. It's a compulsion."

Mell looked at me, her eyes wide open and gob clearly smacked.

"Thought I'd told you Mell. Sis here is on the artistic spectrum."